We Are Nowhere And it's Now
by Kate1013
Summary: His voice lowered and Scully saw his Adam's apple bob in his throat before he continued. "Just like you know that I'm aware of why you really went."


I wrote this years ago under my other name of 'Jude' and is archived under that name at both Gossamer and Beyond 4458. Other than a quick spell check, it's merely been dusted off and left out for you to peruse :)

* * *

Title: We Are Nowhere and It's Now

Author: Kate1013

Category: Vignette

Rating: PG

Spoiler: En Ami post-ep

Summary: His voice lowered and Scully saw his Adams' apple bob in his throat before he continued. "Just like you know that I'm aware of why you really went."

Disclaimer: All characters are not mine which is damn unfortunate....

Archive: Anywhere but please ask first

Author's comment: at the end. Plus I'd like to thank my beta for giving me the courage and advice for doing this! You know who you are - thanks a bunch!

- ~ -

The journey back to Mulder's apartment was an awkward one. The hurt and confusion that had consumed them both, had dissolved somewhat as together they returned to the Smoking Man's office. But despite a multitude of things needed to be said, an eerie silence had soon settled over them, and before long Scully had found herself sitting in the passenger seat, simply gazing out of the car window.

Her loud sighs seemed to echo around them, and despite her best intentions, only gained in momentum the further they drove. Mulder had tried to appear impassive beside her, but every so often she could feel him twitching. It only stopped when the car was put in park.

Opening the door, Mulder allowed Scully in first before following behind her, deliberately taking long slow strides. He paused in the archway to the front room and silently watched as Scully gathered her discarded purse and keys.

"Do you want a ride home?" Mulder asked quietly, careful not to catch her eye.

"Don't," she said, straightening to glare at him. "Don't act like this is a big betrayal, when you've done much worse to me."

He stared at her then, his lips moving yet unable to speak. His arms had taken up the same position as earlier, one on either side of the door frame, appearing to hold him up.

"I never ditched you, in order to hurt you - only to stop you from getting caught up in all my mess."

"I can't believe you just-" Scully shook her head and promptly shut her mouth. She looked down at the bag in her hand and shoved her phone in.

"You know that's not what I meant."

"Do I?"

"Yes. You do...." His voice lowered and Scully saw his Adam's apple bob in his throat before he continued. "Just like you know that I'm aware of why you really went."

His glare was unbearable and she peered down at the floor; anything to prevent her from facing this right now. "Well, if you know me so well, why are we bothering to have this conversation?"

"Because sooner or later we've got to talk about what happened." His words made her pause and glance up. "What's wrong with now?"

"What's wrong with now is that you're angry at me, and I'm angry at you. And if we continue to talk about this, I'm only going to say things that I'll regret."

"Then go." He whispered. "Just so long as you know that it was your decision to leave, not mine."

Scully forced herself to move towards the door, not daring to look him in the eye as she brushed by.

Mulder held his breath, his legs rooted to the spot until he heard her leave. He turned to the door, ready to slam it shut when he noticed that she'd paused in the corridor, her back still to him. He lent against the frame, not knowing what to say; somehow waiting for a reaction.

She felt like it was happening again. Only this time he wasn't running after her, begging her to stay...

Images and sensations overtook her and Scully gently closed her eyes. She could feel his hands upon her neck, hear their heartbeats, and sense his fear. Most of all she could see that look in his eyes. She saw it again when he brought her back to life. 'Breathe....Breathe'. The words echoed within her head and she almost gasped out loud.

"Say what you have to say."

Her words were so soft, Mulder almost believed he'd dreamt them. He stared at the back of her head as she remained grounded, right hand gently touching the wall. Her body shook slightly, either through anger or fear, he wasn't sure which. And now she'd asked him to voice the words he'd been longing to say since she'd got back. And all he could do was stare at her.

"Not here..." He said, clearing his throat.

Scully turned round to face him. She saw him swallow the lump in his throat again and slowly walked back into his apartment without saying a word.

Mulder shut the door behind them and watched as she rotated before him.

"I know you left because he offered you a cure." He said, eyes now seeking hers. "The chance to cure other people from a horrible disease... one that you yourself suffered from. Maybe you thought it would help - to help others would help ease your pain."

"Mulder..." Her whisper surprised him and he stopped, waiting for her to continue.

"Or maybe you held just a glimmer of hope," He added when she didn't. "Hope in finding a cure for the one thing you needed..." Tears stung at her eyes. He watched as she blinked them back, silent still. "I need to know..."

Scully nodded as the tears fell; full streams that she hadn't wanted to escape and she brushed them away with the back of her hand. "I was angry with him, at first..." She sniffled a bit, then as if her energy had finally been exhausted, she took a few steps back and sat down on Mulder's couch. She wiped at her face some more before she continued. "He gave me a disease only to cure me... Only he took away the one thing I never knew I wanted until it was too late." Her eyes found his as her voice dwindled out; wincing as an attempt to swallow the lump in her throat only made it burn.

"You're right," She said after a moment of silence. "Part of me did go because I wanted to know if there was a cure for all the things he's done..."

Mulder shifted, slowly moving round to lean back on the wall opposite. "And the other part?"

Scully sighed. "The other part needed me to let go of all this. To let go of all this pain and anger... I needed to move passed this and I didn't know how. And when he came to me and suggested a trip...." She shook her head, almost disbelieving herself.

They remained silent for a moment. Scully wiping at her eyes, then rubbing her hands dry; Mulder watching her as though he couldn't tear his eyes away.

Finally his courage returned.

"You told Skinner to tell me you were fine. You wouldn't have said that if you weren't scared." It was more of a question than a statement, but he hadn't known how to ask. Her eyes met his and he saw the look. That look of a dawning realisation.

"I wasn't to tell you - that was part of the deal," Scully said, her voice now steady and even; eyes briefly looking away. "But I..." She glanced back, "I needed you.... To be there; to save me... Not from him, but from myself. Even if he could cure me, which by then I'd realised that he couldn't, I knew that it was never going to be enough."

Mulder's mouth opened and closed momentarily. The thoughts in his head unable to form words, he gave up and gradually allowed his body to slide down the wall. He sank to the floor and sighed inwardly. Feeling her gaze upon him, Mulder deliberately stared at his hands for a while.

"I did try." He offered, finally finding his voice.

Scully nodded. "I know you did."

Mulder smiled sadly.

"That's why I'm angry," She sighed. "Because I hurt you.... You tried and you didn't succeed. You're hurt... and you're angry at me because I made you do it, even though I had realised there was little you could do about any of it..."

Frown lines appeared on Mulder's forehead, his body language almost becoming defensive. Knees drawn up; arms crossed and resting above them. "Why are you angry at me?" He asked softly.

Scully paused and shook her head. "Because you always have to be right." A small smile crossed her lips, and she shook her head again as a wave of laughter threatened to engulf her. "Drives me mad sometimes..."

Mulder watched as a few chuckles hissed out of her nose, followed by a sniffle to disguise it. A few stray tears wriggled down her cheeks and she wiped at them with her hand before throwing a glance his way. "I told myself I wasn't going to cry anymore," another spasm of nervous laughter followed and she let him see that one before turning her head.

Mulder still continued to stare; mind forming sentences before allowing him to speak. "Do you know what drives me mad sometimes?" He asked.

"What?"

He didn't answer. Simply pushed himself off from the wall and crawled on his hands and knees over to where she was sitting. He stopped in front of her, resting upon his knees. His head aligned with hers as she sat; his immediate presence demanding she make eye contact. "When you need something and you just don't ask."

"Mulder?" Her arms encircled his waist and he pulled her close. "I'm sorry."

He didn't wait a beat. "Me too."

Scully smiled. "Let's not drive each other mad for a while, huh?"

"I agree."

She felt his breath tickle through her hair. "At least, not in a bad way..."

~Fini~

Author's note:

I'm not quite sure how this story managed to end itself, but it did. I started off wanting to tell the story of how I always believed Scully went off with CSM shortly after she found out she couldn't have children. A way to explain all the tension in that episode. I'm not sure if I have or not. If you wanna let me know drop me a line.


End file.
